Being creators of one's own destiny: the conquest of one's individuality

By Dr. Maurizio Capezzuto - www.psicologodiroma.com -

The first responsibility of a person is to be the testimony of herself. The responsibility and respect towards ourselves and the people around us should be the basis on which we build all our relationships. The term individual comes from the Latin IN (non) and DIVIDUUS (divisible, separable). Individual therefore means: that it cannot be divided. The individual cannot be divided, neither as a single entity nor by the interpersonal context in which he lives. We could define an autonomous individual when he is able to treat others just as he would treat himself and in doing so he adopts an individual behavior, which is proper to him, free from external conditioning.

Authentic relationships, based on real feelings, feed mainly on the trust and responsibility that the people involved are able to take on one another. Often, however, our choices and our actions are inevitably followed by a trail of pain, even very intense and painful; imagine for example the choices of a child who disappoint parents' expectations, or the need to put an end to a love story, etc. etc .. It often happens that to avoid taking on the responsibility that that particular action involves, we hide behind a lie. We tell ourselves that we cannot be the architects of that pain that the person will experience, that we cannot, be so bad, that we almost do not recognize ourselves. However, treating others as if we were treating ourselves does not sometimes mean being the cause of the suffering of others. To relate to the other as if it were me means to treat the other also with respect, it means in a word I will not lie to you in the name of and who knows what. The sense of dissatisfaction, of restlessness, of suffering that wear us down internally, are signs of our inner unease. The price we are forced to pay for an inauthentic existence is always very high. Starting from this sense of deep frustration, we could succeed in building our destiny by recovering our individuality . I do not doubt that being an individual is a difficult undertaking, and it is especially so when this individuality finds itself in an authentic relationship with another person, but most likely it is the only way that will certainly be the most rewarding. From an early age the identification mechanism accompanies us and helps us in the growth process. But at some point in our existence we must learn to know how to cut that umbilical cord, otherwise we risk that what was until now our source of survival now becomes our destruction. Each individual will succeed in being the witness of himself in the instant in which he will be able to free himself from those processes of identification to which existence submits him. To be oneself means to free oneself from the pressing need to refer to models external to us. The process of individual growth that a person does consists first of all in a long and unstoppable process of differentiation, where the person learns to walk on his own legs. We are what we are by virtue of stories and experiences that are entirely individual. This should be our engine, which should give us an additional push towards understanding the importance of being unique.

Developing this sense of differentiation with respect to the rules, models and established canons is fundamental for our psychophysical well-being.

This principle should accompany us in all relationships, especially in love relationships. A sentimental relationship where one is led to establish what is right from what is unjust, what is lawful from what is unlawful, what is moral from what is immoral, not only tends to deprive us of our freedom, but above all tramples on our dignity as human beings. No one really should determine which model we should identify with. Our psychological physiognomy should be the result of experiences born of our desires, of our choices, and not the result of coercive tendencies implemented by the people around us. As mentioned above, the recovery of our individuality is a long and burdensome commitment that we must carry through with our own strength. As the prof. Aldo Carotenuto: "not undertaking this journey towards the conquest of autonomy would mean having to pay a very high price, transforming ourselves into living beings who have no awareness of their own existence".